Don't Tell! I Won't Ask Because I Don't Care

I'm so sick of seeing gay rights popup as an issue with every single election. People bicker over it so much its almost as if homosexuals are some kind of burden on society. When I was growing up in the 90s they were marching around town telling people that they where here, queer, and to get used to it. Now people are used to it, but they keep arguing over gay marriage, and the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell as if sexual orientation were relevant to military job descriptions in some way. Well I have a better policy called What's Gay? Who Cares?

What's Gay? Who Cares? Is inspired by a quote from Jack Nicholson's 1997 performance in As Good As It Gets when his character Melvin Udall said to his flaming neighbor "as long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap what or where you shove your show". Now that character was homophobic and being rude towards a neighbor he did not like, but he had a good point. As long as gay people don't act inappropriately I don't give a rat crap what they do when I am not around and nobody else should either.

I am completely disinterested in the gay community for the most part because it is not unique in any way that matters. They don't suffer from a mental or physical disability capable of adversely impacting their ability to be good employees, neighbors, friends, or family members. I have never heard of gay people as a whole creating a burden society worse than all the time and money spent by straight people arguing about them.

Even though I couldn't care less about how gay people live their lives in general there are a few things that I don't like about some members of the gay community. Fortunately I have consulted with the lord and savior of my agnostic faith (myself) and drafted The 5 Commandments for Gay People with explanations making it clear whey my 5 Commandments are a good idea.

The 5 Commandments for Gay People:

1. Thou shalt not subject heterosexuals to unwanted sexual advances.

2. Thou shalt not make frivolous accusations of homophobia against thy critic.

3. Thou shalt be courteous and respect the sensitivities of those around them.

4. Thou shalt not disclose ones sexual orientation in an inappropriate manner.

5. Thou shalt not tolerate discrimination.

The 5 Commandments Explained:

1. Reasons for this one should be obvious. I don't want gay guys trying to kiss me, grab my ass, grab my junk, or otherwise attempt to convince to me to switch teams.

2. Have you ever known a gay guy who thinks people don't like him because they are homophobic when in reality he is just a jerk. I have and it was really annoying because you couldn't call him out for being an asshole in general without being accused of gay bashing.

3. This is a commandment for everyone, but when it comes to gay people just don't act too gay if you think it might make people around you uncomfortable. For instance bringing your partner home to see you family on Christmas is fine by me, but don't make out with him in front the children.

4. Don't cause a scene when coming out of the closet unless it is absolutely necessary. For example you may choose to come out to your boss for some reason, but don't use the intercom at work to tell the whole company something they shouldn't care about.

5. When truly discriminated against by anyone who truly hates you for who you are don't take it and stand up for yourself. If you have followed the first four commandments you should have a good case for against the bigot who hates you.

Conclusion

What's Gay? Who Cares? Gay people are gay and nobody should care because it unless you willingly participate in or are subjected to their sex lives then you should have better things to do with your time than worry about them. Personally, I don't care unless I am unnecessarily bothered by it.

If you are gay I don't care who you marry as long as it isn't me because being married to you is their problem. When it comes to gays in the military people need to shut the hell up about "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" already because unless gays in the Navy start throwing tea parties on the poop deck its not going to hurt their combat readiness.