United States Army Hiring Alcohol Abuse Counselors

The United States Army is hiring alcohol abuse counselors to make sure soldiers have the support they need to stop drinking whenever they want to and give them proper motivation to want to stop drinking. This recent surge in alcohol support personnel is due to a substantial increase in alcohol abuse by American soldiers since Barack Obama took office.

The majority of new US Army alcohol abuse related incidents have been traced to troops who Obama pulled out of Iraq. These soldiers have had trouble adjusting to life in a better country where freedom from Islam allows them to drink freely without being afraid of getting caught with booze smuggled to them through the mail by their fraternity brothers who cleverly disguised grain alcohol as legitimate non-alcoholic liquid based consumer products.

This terrible tragedy could have easily been avoided if Obama had taken a history class or two about how the Spaniards conquered most of the new world and applied those lessons to managing Iraq. Unlike Obama the Spaniards knew how to make the uncivilized societies they encountered improve themselves by learning their language, adapting better customs (that include drinking alcohol), and making productive use of the women to make sure that future generations would always view their liberators in a fatherly way.